NYE is filled with too many expectations.
Either we want the coming year to be as good as the previous, or we’re desperate for it not to be as bad.
For my entire life, it’s always been the latter.
A plea as I stand on the precipice of a new year for it finally be “my Year.”
Granted, some years have been slightly better than others, but that elusive turning point year, the one that catalyzes a life into it’s peaceful, fulfilling course?
Not so much.
Any year where it felt like I was getting *close* had something shitastic happen-furthering the divide.
When the Huz and I married, we thought that was going to be “Our Year!”
Instead, it’s been 5 long, increasingly hard years.
We had our joys in our children, but honestly?
Other than that, we feel beat DOWN.
The last 5 have taken their toll on us.
(Particularly in our marriage.)
We’ve prayed, wished, begged (plus everything in between), for some sort of miracle/eleventh hour help that would lift us up and out of our hole.
We’ve gone into every new year with the hope of finally reaching “Our Year.”
Finally being able to go to bed at night and sleep soundly rather than having anxiety attacks at 3am.
Finally losing that sick pit that gnaws at our stomachs and hearts.
Finally having the stability to actually live and grow as a couple/family instead of just surviving.
Finally breathing.
Because constantly holding your breath in fear of what’s next is fucking exhausting.
That’s what “Our Year” would look like…
2013 is here.
I have no expectations that this year will be any better than last year.
It’s entirely possible that it will be worse.
And we’ll deal with it.
Like we always do.
What we WON’T do however, is keep looking for a miracle or a last-minute save.
It ain’t coming.
So we’ll keep on shoveling our way through this shit with teaspoons as in years previous, and take any bits of good we can, grateful…
…and hopefully, we’ll make it out in time for “Their Years.”
I don’t care about my dreams anymore.
I care about my children’s.
I’m terrified at the thought that they might spend their NYEs like I did:
waiting for things to GET BETTER.
I want better, GOOD, to be their normal–not their dream.
As such-
If you need me, I’ll be down here with my teaspoon.
Just Plain Jayne. 
Well, 2012 wasn’t a stellar year for me — and that is quite the understatement, but I am sorry to hear that yours wasn’t the best either. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you that this year is better for you. With your two little cuties I know that you will definitely have moments that will make the year worth it.