Resolute. (ish)

I love blogging.
I love reading other’s blogs.

I love it if for no other reason than the fact that it’s allowed me to connect and grow.

2012 was a fairly stunted year in that respect, despite the fact that I think of things I want to write/comment on almost every damn day…

So now that 2013 is here, I’m gonna try to get my bloggingshit together and post/comment every day.

Every one.

Even if it’s just a sentence.
A teeny word….

My blog isn’t widely circulated or famous, but it IS a part of me.

And your blogs are a part of you.

I’ve been neglecting myself and my blogships*-which has sucked so:

Here goes…

something.

I’m so terribly lackluster at this kinda shit, so let’s hope?

*Love to you all. I hope that 2013 is kind.

Starting Over?

When you start blogging/tweeting/etc., it takes awhile to get into a good rhythm, to figure it all out and set up your internet life….it took me forfuckingever.

And just as I felt like I was really hitting my stride, life intervened.

If you read this blog regularly (as I know all of you DO, of course, ahem.), then you know that this spring/summer for us was kinda shitastic…

I shut down for a while and hid from life.
I went through the motions of day-to-day routines, but I wasn’t all there.

I stopped blogging, I stopped tweeting, I stopped reading, I stopped connecting.

The longer I did it, the more guilty I felt.

So like a child, I just hid even deeper under the bed.

I felt like I had let people down.

There are people that will read this and think:

For fuck’s sake, lady. It’s JUST the internet.

Not for me.

These “silly” social media outlets have become a community of friends, a place of accountability, a form of therapy, and a challenge of authenticity.

I do indeed have a real life and real friends, outside of my web-self, but real life and real friendships happen on the these digital fields as well, sometimes even more so, if that makes any sense.

So by not keeping up with this part of my life, by not contributing to it, and to the people who are in it, I feel like I have been a poor friend, and an irresponsible blogger.

I’m sorry. I really am.

Trying to come back is proving harder than I thought…
but I’m working on it.

Depression has been a big factor, but I gave in and upped my dose, and am feeling much better.

Although I recieved a letter today that my Medi-Cal will terminate on the 20th.
Sigh.
Always something….

Our miscarriage is still haunting me a bit, and every time I get my period I tear up, but the pain is beginning to ease in it’s own way…

All you can do is look forward, right?
 
Life is settling in that with Huz’s new job we can finally pay our bills, but crazy in that his hours and travel have put us on on a whole new schedule.

O is two now (can you believe it?!), and is a wild thing.
He keeps me running from sun up to sundown…literally. And then some.

Highlights?

He’s decided that everything in the household should be spread out on every inch of the floor, that the refrigerator is good place to just sit and chill (pun intended), has finally escaped from the confines of his crib, and sees a diaper change as guerrilla warfare.

It’s a party.

He’s so cute though, it’s unreal. And smart.
Daddy and I don’t stand a CHANCE.

Huzzy’s job is going well, and we are slowly cleaning up some of our financial debris.
I say slowly because money keeps finding a way to fly out of our asses…

This week?
A computer monitor meltdown and a tire blow out.
Oh, mmmhmm. Joy.

STILL, we’re getting a regular paycheck, which is nothing to shake a stick at….

We’re hoping to move out of the in-laws house in the next 6 months or so.
It’s time.
It’s BEEN time.

We’ll see if we can pull it off.
We pretty much feel like this is a “Hell-or-High-Water” kind of situation.

Have I ever mentioned that Southern CA is disgustingly expensive?
Yeah, about that…
Ugggh.

I’ve really missed you all.
I’ve missed sharing in your lives.
I’ve missed all this community brings to mine.

Thank you.

I hope I find my place again.

Comments, Questions, Complaints and Concerns.

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I love getting comments. 

Lurrrrve it.

They help me to feel heard and dare I say it, validated.

When I see comments, I know I’m not just ranting on to myself…I have an audience!

You know, which is kinda nice.

Because your commentlovin’ is so important to me, I want to make sure I keep on top of it!

In an effort to more accurately track and answer comments, I installed Intense Debate.

Hooray! All my comment issues are gonna be solved! It’s like switching to WordPress without ACTUALLY switching!

Yippppeeeeeeeee!

Yeah, like that.

Except not.

ID is fucking my shit all up.

One minute it works, one minute it doesn’t.

Comments are there, then gone. Poof!

On days it IS working, I will craft heartfelt responses, only to have them eaten by the abyss.

I have tried to troubleshoot, and I have tried to uninstall/reinstall, etc.

Over IT, kids. That’s what I am.

So I’m thinking of  uninstalling it, and calling it a damn day.

My apologies for anyone whom I haven’t answered back lately, it’s entirely likely I never got to see it, OR tried to answer, only to have it gobbled away.

Hmmmmmph.

I’m not  particularly happy with Blogger half the time either, but will get into that another day…

Now that I’ve bitched my little fit, I have some questions:

Do any of you ever wonder who actually reads your blog?

Do you ever wonder how many lurkers you have?

Do you ever wonder if there are people out there faithfully reading along, but never commenting?

Do you ever wonder if there are readers out there who hate your guts but read anyway?

Do you ever wonder why some blogs have 300 readers/comments and some blogs only have 3?

Do you ever wonder how in the hell Dooce does it?

Do you ever secretly hope that Ellen will read your blog, then decide that you just HAVE to be on her show, skyrocketing you to fame and fortune, AND a book deal?

Ummmmm….Yeah, me neither.

Pshhhhht.